Kaisen, Our Guardian Angel

Oh man!! I don't even know where to start this story.  Everyone always says at the beginning so I guess I will start where it all began.  Zach and I met in May of 2006 and we got married on June 1, 2007.  We had agreed we didn't want to bring kids into the mix of things until we had been married for 1 year because we wanted to get to know each other first.  That October both of us had the feeling it was time to start trying.  Definitely not according to planned, but that is just one of the first times Heavenly Father tried to teach me that lesson.  We agreed to wait until after I had foot surgery in December so that wouldn't get postponed.  After trying for almost a year things started to get a little crazy with my body.  I became super irregular so I finally went to several doctors to get them to find out what was wrong with me.  None of them could figure anything out except for I don't ovulate on my own.  They gave me clomid(ovulation medication) and told me to try that for a few months.  The doctor I work for finally said let me test your blood to make sure it is even working.  It of coarse had not been.  I was upset because you can only take that stuff for 6 months and I was on month 3.  On cycle 4 we got me on a dose that worked.  Yay!!  We were so excited for the possibility to come.  On cycle 5 I got pregnant.  I was so excited!  I could not keep the smile off my face.  Unfortunately that was not our time I guess.  I miscarried at just over 6 weeks along.  I was devastated! After months of getting my pregnancy levels back down to zero and emotional healing, we discovered I had a thyroid problem.  I was glad to hear it was something manageable.  After a year of trying to get that on track, I was finally able to try clomid again.  I got super excited and thought this just might be the time.  After a few cycles we found out I had a cyst on my ovary that did not go away on its own after several months.  They did surgery and found a ton of endometriosis.  After recovery they gave me clomid again and said you have 3 cycles.  After those cycles if I was not pregnant I had to go to the specialist.  I was nervous, but had an even better chance this time than any of the others.  We got pregnant the first cycle.  I was excited, but super nervous considering we had already lost one.  The weeks and months went along and everything was looking great.  When I was around 30 weeks, I had watched a news story about the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  They take pictures of families whose babies do not live or are stillborn.  I thought that would be good information to have since I worked in an OB office.  While reading their website I had this gut feeling that something was going to go wrong with the umbilical cord and there was nothing I could do about it.  As the weeks went along I was even more paranoid, but he kept growing and doing great.  I started to realize I had maybe just been paralized and I had better start getting stuff ready for our little mans arrival.  I had my normal 38 week appointment and everything looked great!  The next morning we had our normal car ride to work.  I talked to him and said good morning.  He was always sleepy then so I didn't feel too much movement.  I had felt his weight shift when I got up, but not much else.  I got to work and started my normal routine.  I had grabbed a bottle of his favorite juice that morning and started drinking it.  Around 8 I realized he still wasn't moving much if at all.  I tried everything for the next hour.  I pushed on him a million times and since he hated to be pushed on that would normally work.  When that didn't work I had them put me on the NST monitor.  After 20 minutes we couldn't get him on there.  They took me into the ultrasound room to check his position and try again.  Still not having a clue anything was super wrong I was excited to get to see him.  When we got in there we found he had passed.  I didn't know what to do or say.  They send me down the hall to be induced.  Kaisen James Gibbs arrived on Saturday February 11, 2012 at 2:59pm.  He was 7lbs. 1oz. and 20" long.  He was perfect!!  We found out the cord was attached on the side and had pulled up a little and caused a hemorrhage.  We had been told the day prior that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Utah Share would come in to do pictures and molds of his hands and feet.  For that first hour we kept him to ourselves.  It was the most peaceful time I had ever had, even though I knew I would be torn apart when my brain realized what was really going on.  I felt so privileged to have carried such a valiant little spirit!!  I still can't wrap my brain around the concept of having carried a perfect little spirit for 9 months.  He was too perfect for this earth!  After several hours I knew I had to send him to the mortuary or I would not let him go.  That next week on Thursday February 16, we had his funeral services.  I had thankfully been able to go to the mortuary that Monday and Wednesday before and held him and got him dressed.  He was such a stud in his cute little blessing outfit!!  The services were beautiful!  At one point I thought I would be broken forever when I felt his sweet spirit hit me like a ray of light.  I knew he was happy and he wanted me to be happy too.  He is my miracle!!!  These months have been filled with a lot of heartache, but also a lot of joy as we grasp the concept of eternal families even more.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is such a powerful thing.  It allowed for Kaisen to get to go to the Celestial Kingdom and for me to repent to be with him there again some day.  I cannot wait to see him again and give him the biggest kiss and hug ever!!!  That joy has got to outweigh any depth of despair I have and will feel by not having him here on earth.  He is so missed and so loved by his mommy and daddy!!!  I know this is only a brush over of what has happened, but I am sure I will expound more in future posts.